Sunday, November 24, 2013

Heavy Hearts

I was so happy when I found out I was pregnant with our third baby in August! We kept it a BIG secret until we were a few weeks into our second trimester.  This is the picture we used to officially announce the exciting news. Little did I know, I would find out two short days later that Baby M no longer had a heartbeat. Our hearts are crushed. 
It's been almost two weeks and I still look at this picture and smile. I am so thankful that I shared our news with all of our friends and family. It would be so hard to go through all of this without all of the support and love that we have received. Everyone already adored Baby M as much as we did. 
Madden was excited to be a "BIGGER" Brother. Our sweet friend, Shara, made these shirts. Mike and I thought they turned out perfect. The boys only got to wear them once:(
 Mason loves to say, "Cheese"'s goofy, yet still kind of cute.

November 11, 2013...
This was just supposed to be a routine and out and on my way. I was the first appointment of the day. The nurse called me  back. She weighed me, took my blood pressure, asked me a bunch pregnancy questions, and then got the doppler out to check the baby's heartbeat. She didn't seem worried when she couldn't find it, and surprisingly neither did I. She said, "Let me get another nurse. Maybe she knows a trick to hearing a heartbeat with a tilted uterus." The second nurse came in and she too could not find a heartbeat. She didn't seemed concerned. She said, "Let me put new batteries in the doppler. It's acting kind of funny." Honestly, I was getting nervous. The second nurse came back in and tried for a long time, with no luck. Finally, My doctor came in. When he couldn't find the heartbeat, my stomach started to feel sick. I began to get really anxious with what he was about to tell me.

I remember my doctor's calming words, before sending me for a sonogram...."You are healthy. You haven't had any bleeding or cramping. We've already heard 3 strong heartbeats. You're doing great in the second trimester. When you have a tilted uterus, it is sometimes harder to pick up a heartbeat with the doppler. With all that said, I have to be honest...It might very well be a missed MC."

*I totally blocked out his last sentence.

At the time, I was by myself. My heart was pounding out of my chest, but I kept a brave face on and my nervous smile. The minute I called Mike, I lost it. I can't hide my feelings from him. I am the most sensitive person I know, but I can be strong as ever when I need to be.  He had the same calming words for me as my doctor. I held on to his words, "Everything is going to be ok."

By the time Mike arrived, I had already had two sonograms. The tech didn't show me the screen and didn't speak a single word to me.  It was very cold and I knew by her concerned look and tone that things weren't good.  I am so thankful that Mike arrived when he did. At that point, we were taken back to my doctor's office for the radiology results... Not like an exam room, but his fancy office with the nice leather chairs and a big desk. That's when I really knew.  Of course, My naive self still was saying, "This is not really happening."

My doctor talked to us for a long time. When I looked at Mike, he was so upset. I could see it in his face and eyes. You never want to see your husband crying. His heart was broken. I quickly went back into my strong mode. I surprised myself with how tough I was in that sad moment.  After they did more blood work, my doctor offered for me to have a repeat sonogram the next day. For peace of mind, I agreed that would be good for me.
This is is the only picture I have of our Baby M. It was taken in early October. On November 12, you could really see how much the baby had developed. We didn't get copies, because of the sad situation. Our sweet baby was face down, with chin tucked under. I hated to see the flat line going across the screen time and time again when they were desperately searching for a heartbeat.  We all knew the baby was gone, but just didn't want our hearts to accept it. 

The hardest part was carrying a lifeless baby inside me all week. I had a pre-op the following day; which we had to sign awful paperwork for that I was not prepared to do. I won't go into detail about that. I had my D&C on Friday.  Emotionally I was ready for the baby to be removed. The surgery itself went well. I was back in the ER the same night with some complications. 
Due to all my medicines, I have pretty much been sleeping my days away these past few weeks. My friends and family have been the best. We have received love in every way imaginable and we are so thankful for the support.  I return to school tomorrow. I think it will be really good for me. I have 17 little 7&8 year olds who I know will bring lots of smiles to my face. 

I need to let my heart heal and move forward. I have a lot to be thankful for in this life. Like Mike told me on that sad Monday, two weeks ago..."Everything is going to be ok."


  1. Hi Ashley! Thank you so much for commenting on my blog today! I am so, so, so sorry for your loss. Email me sometime! I would love to chat. Happy Thanksgiving!

  2. Ashley- I am so sorry for the loss of your precious baby. We are praying for your family. You can email me anytime you need an ear to listen. Much love to you!!! Jeremiah 29:11

  3. Thank you, Shay & SaraBeth! Very sweet of you to keep us in your thoughts.

  4. OH! Dear Ashley,

    I followed you here from your comment on Katie's blog. I've said goodbye to 5 of my own at various stages of development. My heart is with you this season. The first year is always so hard, it's full of "firsts." I will remember you and your sweet Baby M.